I’ve just worked through a mini existential crisis.
I haven’t been asking very good questions of myself lately. This was the worst one:
I’m not helping anyone, why bother?
This question made me feel very depressed. I mean, why am I here, if I’m not helping anyone? I had no real evidence that I was helping anyone. Well, actually the question I was asking focused my attention on evidence I believed was proof that I wasn’t helping. I’m talking about my coaching business. But, my coaching business is a HUGE part of my life (maybe too huge, but that’s another story), so the depressed feelings were spilling all over into the rest of my life.
Bottom Line: I was feeling pretty unworthy about my existence.
I let myself cry. I wrote about what was happening so I could allow the feelings. I did some email coaching with my coach. My office was oppressive – I had to get out of there. So, I went outside and sat in my garden to do some thought work. I did a few thought models (because even in despair, I know that it’s always my thoughts causing my pain). Finally, I got to a model that felt a bit better. It created some space for me, which is what I desperately needed.
Thought: I don’t have to DO anything to be helpful.*
Action: Try to just be.***
Result: Less stressed. ****
*I’m a BIG do-er. Too much thoughtless action got me into this mess. I believe this thought, but it still feels a bit weird. Not all new thoughts feel like the perfect fit, but I tried it on anyway.
**The new thought brought me up from despair to neutral. Moving up the feeling ladder is good.
***So difficult for me to just sit and be still and watch! I’m willing to practice this until I get more comfortable with it.
****When I felt better, it made room for some creative thinking.
My stillness was rewarded with a Hummingbird. A coach I know says that beasties (as she calls animals/insects that show up in our path) have messages for us if we care to take notice. So I asked, how is the Hummingbird helpful? She pollinates the flowers and we get beauty and food and oxygen. That lead me to the flowers and plants and trees and how they help.
My dog, Piggy, was laying next to me on the bench. I have 3 dogs. Dogs eat, sleep, poop and play. That’s it. They don’t give oxygen to the atmosphere or help create food. Unless it’s a service dog, I can’t think of any concrete ways that dogs help in this world.
I adore dogs. When my dogs are not around, I’m diminished slightly. Something is missing for me. We just got back from a vacation and I missed them every day, several times a day. I wasn’t helpless or hopeless without them, but they contribute to me simply by BEING.
Hmmm. Maybe that’s true for me too? Maybe I can try on that my existence contributes to others. Not because I’m DOING anything, but because I’m HERE.We are worthy.
I’m going to try just BEING for a while. Like my dogs.
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