When I was in 4th grade, I bullied someone.
I’m nervous to admit this, but it’s true.
The girl I bullied was very pretty, with gorgeous brown hair. And big curly locks. Her stay-at-home mom put her hair in a bow each day. Her clothes were new and clean and pressed, many of them hand-made by her mom. I think she had one younger brother. She was quiet and sweet.
Wearing my mostly too small, hand-me-down clothes, I was jealous. I’d had a short “pixie cut” since about age 5 because it was easier for my mom and older sister. I had 5 siblings. My mom and dad both worked. There wasn’t a lot of extra time for hand-made clothes or one on one attention. I was a tomboy.
I tell my perception of her life and mine because my young mind made up a lie that life was unfair. The other girl had what I thought I wanted. Her life looked perfect to me. I didn’t know her well or what it was like inside her house. I was jealous and I resorted to bullying because of my thinking.
My 9 year old brain thought like this:
It’s not fair that her mom makes her clothes and does her hair each day.
I should have clothes like that.
My mom should let me grow my hair out.
It’s not fair that her mom pays so much attention to her.
It’s not fair that she is so sweet and quiet and pretty.
I should be more girlie like her.
These thoughts made me feel angry. The action I took as a result of the thoughts and anger I felt was to lash out with mean words, chasing and gum in her beautiful hair.
I still remember that while I was bullying her, I knew my actions were wrong. I was angry at her and ashamed of myself at the same time – a hot mess of emotions. I needed adult guidance. I needed to get my thoughts out of my head. The thoughts were causing me a lot of pain – but of course I didn’t understand it at the time. I didn’t have anyone to talk to – well, I might have had someone, but I didn’t know to reach out. I didn’t know to ask for help or for someone to listen to my painful thinking. I’m pretty sure my parents were not aware of what was happening at school.
If I’d only known that my thoughts weren’t true. If I’d only had someone who could spend time listening to my limiting beliefs and show me that I could focus my thoughts in a way that empowered me.
I don’t spend a lot of time with the “if onlys”. I look back and see that I was meant to bully in 4th grade. My childhood experiences, and maybe especially this one, led me to coaching. I understand now what was happening and why I bullied. I’m passionate about empowering parents and their kids to understand it, too so we can put and end to bullying and violence.
Bullying is an action. Anyone can bully; I don’t believe anyone IS a bully.
This is what I think everyone needs to understand:
#1. Negative thoughts and self image cause awful feelings: Like when a child believes they have it bad and others have it better. They might even believe THEY are bad. It’s not true, but the child who bullies doesn’t know this and they feel terrible as a result of their thinking.
#2. Feelings lead to action: Kids are very in touch with their feelings. Kids experience feelings intensely. Think about your kids (or anyone) and the way they act when they are tired, happy, sad, angry.
#3: Actions create results: Bullying is an action. It looks like teasing, unkind words, mild and escalating violence. Their are also actions that are self inflicted that can come from feeling awful about oneself.
#4: We all understand the results that can come from bullying. Sadness, separation, low self-esteem, and worse.
Interestingly, the result of bullying can prove the child’s thoughts about herself.
A humiliated and ashamed child, humiliates and shames another child. And I will bet that just like me, the child who bullies, ends up feeling more humiliated and ashamed as a result of their actions.
What we resist, persists.
We have to help kids with their thoughts. Listen to your kids. Clear out your own negative beliefs and listen to your kids.
I believe being a devoted listener for our children is one of the best ingredients for helping them build self esteem and love for themselves. If you can help them find thoughts that empower them, even better. If you can’t, get a coach or therapist to help.
And if your child won’t talk to you. Notice. Pay attention. Talk to their teacher. Keep paying attention, keep noticing, inquire. If you can’t, get someone to help you.
If you are a kid who’s hurting: Please reach out to an adult you trust. Many adults want to help. And it may surprise you how many adults have felt the same as you at sometime in their life.
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I think about that little girl with the beautiful hair. Sometimes, I worry about how I hurt her. I hope with all my heart that she found the kind of tools I’ve found. When I remember her, I wish her happiness and I send love her way.
If I knew where she was, I would apologize. And listen to her with love.
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[...] Katie McClain, The Truth About Bullying [...]
What a brave post this is, Katie. It is filled with love. You’re bringing such an important message to the world. Thank you.
Thank you Laurie for reading and sharing! I sincerely hope it is helpful.
Amazing Katie. Amazing. I’m going to share this with my friend who is a school counselor. Love that you shared your experience!
Michele- Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I appreciate it so much and would love to hear what the school counselor has to say. xo
Katie,
My mom always told me the bullies I had were jealous, but as a bullied child, you never understand that or believe it. We ALL (even the bullied kid with the pretty hair) struggle with thinking others are better than we are once we hit school and see what others wear, how their hair is, how big or small they are, etc.
Your post made me feel sad for my bullies.
My first bully was a boy who pinched me until I kicked him in the leg as hard as I could. That was kindergarten. My second bully made my life hell to the point of avoiding walking to school a certain way, going down certain halls in school, and not wanting to go to school at all until my parents finally gave me permission and training to punch her out, and I did. My third bully just generally made fun of my wearing skirts and dresses all the time, and I was old enough at that point and individual enough to simply ignore her or put her in her place. I was well connected by then and had protection.
My third bully (a girl from middle school) tried to friend me on Facebook about a year ago and I thought, “Are you kidding me?!! No.” I can still remember the things she said to me as if they are today. I intellectually know now that she must have felt awful about herself and been jealous or envious of me in some way, but I don’t care. She was mean and it was uncalled for. 20 years doesn’t buy her the right to now be my friend.
They say that your children will be like you. If you were bullied then they will be. If you were a bully, then they will be.
I hope that no matter which my child might be, I will know what is going on and give them better tools to handle it.
Great post!
What I thought as I read it was that we should really listen to our children. I remember wanting long hair at a certain point in my childhood when my mom cut my hair off, too, and my mom refusing. I felt naked and humiliated with my short boy hair that I was made fun of for at the time. My mom didn’t see the pain. She only saw how easy it was to wash and comb my hair. Really, what would it have cost her to let me have a long ponytail? I’m sure she’d agree if she’d known.
Most of the time, though, I was that girl with the homemade clothes and ribbons in my hair.
Bravo for being so honest and for showing us the other side of this serious issue for all involved. I wish teachers and administration would read this. They are the gatekeepers where this is involved because they have our children most of the day.
Dana- Thank you so very much for reading and your thoughtful comments. I feel guilty every time I think of my 9 year old self and I how I hurt that little girl. But, I really want people to understand that the one who bullies feels very bad about themselves. It doesn’t make their action acceptable at all. But all action begins with a thought, and we can help our kids with this. I know from experience that the listening part can be difficult. I found out from another child that my son had been bullied. I listen to him all the time, but he wasn’t sharing about this. I believe we have to find creative ways to listen to our kids. xo, Katie
Love that post! I too had a college pyscho bully roommate want to FRIEND me on Facebook. She even said that she would understand if I couldn’t go there. I forgive her. But NO. She was never my friend. I have to say that people from my past DO find healing for themselves in confessing to me what they did. Which has been helpful for me because I had started to wonder if it was just ME being paranoid. NOPE! Whew! LOVE Katie’s post! I have shared and tweeted it. My daughter just had another run in at camp yesterday from two supposed great new friends who took a huge sour turn of meanness on her. The tears and pain broke my heart. But I fear most for those girls who are 11 and wanting to be BIG Girls with boyfriends and watching PG 13 movies. My daughter stood up for her right to be the age she is without feeling the need to prove her “sexy” in the world. I tell you I am sick to my stomach. My daughter told me that it made her stomach hurt to be around them. Then they made fun of her swimsuit and sat with some other girls after Elizabeth saved seats for them at their “usual” spot. This is of course ALL MATERIAL! How can my daughter be the great writer she is without these experiences. ;=) Love your Blog Katie and the people who visit here!
Your post brings up a good point Susan. It is definitely a good thing to honor our boundaries. First we have to be clear on them which it sounds like you are. Choosing not to accept this woman’s friend request is a valid way to honor boundaries..
I’m so sorry about your daughter’s experience. I know you do a great job with her and help her process these things well, but I want to point out for other readers the part where you said her stomach hurts to be around them. It’s a great signal that she is getting “not to go there.” She gets to choose her friends, we all do and it sounds like she’s learning from her body’s signals that these girls really are not her friends. Paying attention to the signals we get from our body is so important. Kids excel at this but unfortunately we lose this ability as we grow. Again, I know you work with your daughter to help her see how valuable this is. It’s something I have had to relearn as an adult. (listening to the messages my body sends)
Thanks for reading and your comments.
Yes, that’s another important point. Kids don’t always run home and say, “Mom, Sally said I’m ugly and I dress like Laura Ingalls Wilder.” I think the clues and the things to “listen” for are behaviors. If your kid suddenly isn’t your kid, something’s up.
You are so right Dana, kids will often give us clues that something is going on. But, be aware that sometimes they won’t. My son gave us NO clue at all. He was a totally different kid at home than at school. We are fortunate that he has had amazing, attentive, loving teachers and also other families who cared and shared. The little boy who told us about the bullying was a good friend of Matthew’s and he was upset that Matthew was being bullied. We are fortunate that he told us. We then worked with Matthew and helped him in assorted ways. We were even more proactive after that in asking him specific questions that helped him be more able to share with us.
I love this! I was a bully too for a while. For the first time, my teeth matched my face. I got contacts. I was the new girl in school. It felt good to not be the freaky nerd anymore. And I was mean to my friends.
Then they came together to my house to get their borrowed clothes, etc. from me. And I was on my own. I was scared and even then I knew I had it coming.
It was an important and powerful lesson.
Thanks for a brave and awesome blog post.
Sarah- Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story. xoxo, Katie
Excellent post…I was bullied by my mother and stepfather and so it’s no surprise that I remember very clearly one day in first grade, telling another little girl that she was a crybaby. My “punishment” was to write on the blackboard the numerals from 1 to 100 (I was too young to write much more than that) and to think about what I had said and why it wasn’t nice. From that moment on I managed to develop a shred of compassion and didn’t bully after that. But that shred was teeny tiny and I didn’t have it for myself until just a few years ago. Now that I know how to love, nurture and accept myself that shred that has grown and blossomed. And although I don’t have much of a relationship with either my mother or my stepfather (they divorced when I was in college), I have a whole lot of compassion for them.
Wow Karen, such a great story. Thank you for reading and sharing. Do you remember if you connected the bullying you received with the bullying you did?
Such an important lesson on thought-work and healing. Thank you for writing and posting this. I know you will empower and educate many people (not just parents).
Thanks for reading Kanesha. That was one of my goals for this. I hope it educates and helps in some way. ~ Katie
I was one of the girls being bullied all through school. My mom made my dresses because fabric was less expensive than buying clothes. My hair was cut by my mom because we couldn’t afford to go to a salon. We lived on $400 a month for a family of four. About 3rd grade I hated school, I hated the kids, the teachers didn’t care because there were too many kids in our small school. I changed schools 8 times in elementary school to avoid being bullied but I had a target on my back. I was verbally and physically abused at home.
I am now almost 50 years old. I have 4 grown or almost grown children and 3 grandchildren. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression and have been in counseling for years. I still suffer from a lack of self-esteem. I became very self-sufficient at 12 and left home. I voluntarily entered into foster care. It was my foster mother that told me I was strong and I could do anything. I do not tolerate bullying.
My older 2 sons were targets of bullies and believe me, people in charged heard about it. I don’t believe the mantra “well, boys will be boys”. My middle boy was given permission after a full school year of one kid bullying him to punch the kid. The bully had been warned time after time. The last day of school my son had enough. The bully was expelled and my son was on 1 day suspension. 13 times my son did not retaliate and went to an adult about the issue. This was the 14th time this kid went after my son. My son did suffer consequences such as having to wear broken glasses for 3 months.
Laurette- I’m so sorry that you experienced being bullied and that your children did as well. Sending love and healing thoughts. ~Katie
Great Article!
This is painful stuff, it hurts very badly.
Bullying is not limited to children, it also is very prevalent in the workplace today.
A team of people stealing from where I worked, mentally harassed me and I was eventually physically assaulted by two co-workers.
They all were in it together, I said something in self defense, they lied and I was fired.
What a Nightmare! Thank You Ginger Breggin for passing the article on.
Thank you for reading Dwight. Yes, adults bully too. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’ll be posting a follow up to this article soon. Be well. ~Katie
Thank you for what you shared …….. honest and real.
Thanks for reading Paula! ~Katie
[...] Katie McClain, The Truth About Bullying [...]
A colleague of mine shared this with me. I wanted to share with all of you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIDarYJHCpA
love this, thank you.
Beautiful post, Katie. You are incredibly courageous to tell your story – not a story often told, yet extremely important. It helps us see the whole picture, the human picture. Thank you!!
I love your honesty here, Katie. Sometimes, it’s hard to see how our actions harm us as much as those we hurt – until we are able to get the benefit of hindsight.
Beautiful post. Thank you for being so open with your story.
Thank you so much for reading Joanna.
This was a great post and it made me think of the polarity of our emotions and thoughts . . . if you looked at a continuum with “Victim” on one end and “Victimizer/Bully” on the other, I have a hunch that you chose Bully because you sometimes felt like Victim (some of the things you mention, hair and clothes, must have made you concerned about not fitting in, I am sure). Not sure if this is on target, but it reminded me that we’re all more similar than we realize, just at different spots on the continuum of experience. Thank you!
Hi Mindy- Thanks for your comment. I agree we are all very very similar. Thanks for reading!
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and honest story. So much wisdom here.
Another piece, I think, that contributes to bullying is this idea of “different from me is wrong” or “different from what I wish I was” that is ingrained in parts of our culture. A friend and colleague of mine has created a (not-for-profit) online/community art project that uses humor and photography (and visibility) to draw attention to this. It’s at http://www.noevilproject.com if you want to check it out.
Hi Sally- I agree. For many people it seems that figuring out that our differences from each other is a good thing. They make us special and unique. Thanks for your comments and I’ll check out the link.
Katie,
The world needs honest adults like you!
Bullies grow-up, some shift to help change the world, and others continue their own path of self hatred and sadness and continue to inflict it upon others. Your piece helps see both sides of the coin.
Thank you for your heartfelt sharing!
Blaze
Blaze- If I could teach everyone that they have a choice on whether to be the victim of people’s sadness and hatred – it would change the world! Thank you for reading.
Wow I honor your courage in exposing your truth. And I second LISTENING to our children. Listen, listen, listen.